When I was a teenager, people in their 20's were way old and totally were adults and all that stuff. When I was in my early 20's, people in their late 20's were totally grown up and all that stuff (and those 30 people, especially those that were parents - whoa! totally had their shit together).
As I've gotten older and reached the next age group I've realized that really nobody in their 20's has a clue of what's going on and its a near miracle that they appear to be functioning adults because mom and dad are still in the background helping with life crisis type stuff. Now that I'm 30 I realize and I'm starting to get the feeling that really nobody truely has their shit together and has everything down pat. Its just one big pretend game of I know what I'm doing. At least this is what I tell myself to feel better.
I wonder does anybody else feel like this? I'm constantly just making it up as I go along with society being a general reference point of "are we doing this right?" It hit me this morning that I work for a Fortune 100 company that trusts me to make decisions that quite frankly if they aren't the right ones could land them with a lawsuit. Don't get me wrong - I'm confident I know what I'm doing with the things I've learned and I definitely know when to ask for help. But its just kind of a bizarre thing - since most of the time I feel the same way I did when I was 25.
Our babysitter that we use is 21. Does she look at me and my husband and think the same thing - these guys are in their 30's with a kid and house and careers... these guys have got it together! Cause I sure thought that about the people I babysat for until I was 18... they had 3 kids and lived in the same neighborhood as my parents.
Bizarre... wonder if it ever goes away - the feeling of we're just making it up as we go along...
Monday, January 17, 2011
Wednesday, January 5, 2011
Perceptions and Assumptions
SO I'm a little frustrated with work at the moment. I'm not quite sure how to handle it either. Prior to L being born my boss would offer me lots of opportunities to do special assignments and travel for work. After he was born there has been a definite change in what I am given in terms of special projects etc. At first I did put it out there that I would prefer not to travel a lot in the first year. No problem - went on two business trips of three days or less. That worked for me. However now that L is over a year, and my dh has been wonderfully supportive of me pursuing opportunities that could advance my career, I want to make sure that I'm considered for travel and special assignments. Nothing too crazy - I don't want to be gone for a long time, but if its a less than a week assignment, please consider me!
Prior to the holidays I had my annual review with my boss. It went really well. But when we started talking about development plans for next year. I mentioned that I would like to be able to travel, etc etc. And my boss' response was well you let me know what you want to do, raising a young family is hard and I don't want to ask too much of you. Its nice that he's being considerate, but its frustrating at the same time - I told him that I need him to tell me what opportunities are available so I can consider them - otherwise I don't even know they're available. I told him that dh was completely supportive and all that (they know each other fairly well and have hung out a few times too). I think that maybe surprised him, I'm not sure... but is it wrong that I'm a little sensitive to that? Maybe I'm a little paranoid about being thrown on the so-called "mommy-track".
Prior to the holidays I had my annual review with my boss. It went really well. But when we started talking about development plans for next year. I mentioned that I would like to be able to travel, etc etc. And my boss' response was well you let me know what you want to do, raising a young family is hard and I don't want to ask too much of you. Its nice that he's being considerate, but its frustrating at the same time - I told him that I need him to tell me what opportunities are available so I can consider them - otherwise I don't even know they're available. I told him that dh was completely supportive and all that (they know each other fairly well and have hung out a few times too). I think that maybe surprised him, I'm not sure... but is it wrong that I'm a little sensitive to that? Maybe I'm a little paranoid about being thrown on the so-called "mommy-track".
Tuesday, January 4, 2011
Girls Day
On New Year's Eve I was all about finding balance in my life. Getting my adult and work life back into balance which both have been heavily outweighed for the last year and a little bit more by home life, and specifically figuring out how to be a parent.
Yesterday I made a little progress towards that balance. The company I work for gives 7 days off during the holiday season, starting 12/24 through 1/3. So I didn't have to work yesterday. My best friend, who also works for the same company - by complete coincidence, and we don't do the same type of work at all - also had the day off. So it was off to daycare for our sons who are four months a part in age, and it was off to a girls day for us.
It was a simple day, shopping at the mall, lunch, and a movie. I don't think I've ever enjoyed shopping, lunch, and movie as much as I did yesterday. I can't describe how wonderfully relaxing it was to just go to the mall with a good friend and shop a little, go to lunch and talk, and then see a movie, and not have anywhere to be anytime quickly. It was just refreshing and rejuvenating. Interestingly enough - I see this friend on a fairly frequent basis - we usually hang out every weekend for a few hours. The difference being is that usually we are sucked out exhausted and we sit on the couch and don't say much at all while we try to keep our boys out of trouble. Its good company, but just not the same.
I found after spending that day away I was so much more relaxed and less stressed when I got home. I've made a promise to myself that a girls day needs to happen in some way or form at least once every two months (once a month would be nice, but let's not go too crazy). I think its just as important to plan something like that as it is to plan a date night (which is my next item to start planning on a regular basis).
Yesterday I made a little progress towards that balance. The company I work for gives 7 days off during the holiday season, starting 12/24 through 1/3. So I didn't have to work yesterday. My best friend, who also works for the same company - by complete coincidence, and we don't do the same type of work at all - also had the day off. So it was off to daycare for our sons who are four months a part in age, and it was off to a girls day for us.
It was a simple day, shopping at the mall, lunch, and a movie. I don't think I've ever enjoyed shopping, lunch, and movie as much as I did yesterday. I can't describe how wonderfully relaxing it was to just go to the mall with a good friend and shop a little, go to lunch and talk, and then see a movie, and not have anywhere to be anytime quickly. It was just refreshing and rejuvenating. Interestingly enough - I see this friend on a fairly frequent basis - we usually hang out every weekend for a few hours. The difference being is that usually we are sucked out exhausted and we sit on the couch and don't say much at all while we try to keep our boys out of trouble. Its good company, but just not the same.
I found after spending that day away I was so much more relaxed and less stressed when I got home. I've made a promise to myself that a girls day needs to happen in some way or form at least once every two months (once a month would be nice, but let's not go too crazy). I think its just as important to plan something like that as it is to plan a date night (which is my next item to start planning on a regular basis).
Friday, December 31, 2010
Return to Bloggerland?
Its been awhile... not sure if anybody actually still has my blog linked as one that they follow... but regardless, I've returned to spew content out to the internet world, whether it be read or not.
To be honest, I've missed it - I started blogging/writing when my husband and I were struggling to get pregnant. It was cathartic to share my frustrations with a community of people who were experiencing the same things. When we did get pregnant, there were those in that community who, bless their hearts, wanted to hear about how things were progressing and all that great stuff. But it was harder to write... shifting gears from a blog that was focused on coping with a difficult time in my life to writing about a happy time in my life - being pregnant. And then of course, following a pregnancy is usually an infant and all that is wonderful, frustrating, and absolutely exhausting that comes with it. At that point I didn't think there was anybody who, had I even the time or energy to sit down and write anything meaningful, would be interested in actually reading my drivel about how enamored I was with my son, or how frustrated and tired I was. And really - I don't know if there is anybody who is interested in reading my random thoughts about life now, but as I mentioned earlier, it was cathartic and it helped me, so I'm back again - needing an avenue, and hopefully finding a community like the one I had found two years ago.
So let's see - where am I now? I've been in the workforce aka finished college just shy of 9 years ago, I've been married for just over 5, and my son is just over 1. Now that L is 1 and the category 5 hurricane that hit my life has been reduced to a tropical storm, I've started to move out of survival mode and start looking at my life in general and what is out of balance.
My first assessment - we are way out of whack. Balance is not in existence, and yin and yang need to be reintroduced.
Lately I've been struggling with the career me vs the mommy me. I like my job, I wouldn't call it just a job either - its a career. I have definite goals and things I would like to attain over the next 20-25 years. I like going to work. I stayed at home on maternity leave for four months and by the end of that I was climbing the walls. Don't get me wrong - I love L to pieces and I would not trade him for anything in the world, and over the course of the last year the Mama Bear instinct has come out a few times - I would do anything for him. However - I like going to work, and quite frankly I'm ok with him going to daycare 5 days a week. That is what I struggle with. I read these mommy blogs, and talk to my friends who are moms and all I read and hear is how these women pine to be at home with their kids rather than go to work. Ok fine - that's them. But is there something wrong with me that I don't yearn for that? and I wouldn't quit my job in a heartbeat so I can be home with L all day long? Lately I feel like there is something wrong with me because I do feel that way. A lot of the "working mom" stuff out there is geared towards this too - there's a whole lotta guilt trip going on out there for the working mom. I'm trying to find that community of moms who are like me - they love their children and are doing their very best to provide everything they can for them, but they are successful in their careers and have very firm goals of growing those careers too.
So I ask - is that such a wrong thing to do? Why is it that it feels like moms who work and enjoy their work and have no intention of leaving the workplace (even if they financially could) have to keep that hidden like its a dirty secret?
To be honest, I've missed it - I started blogging/writing when my husband and I were struggling to get pregnant. It was cathartic to share my frustrations with a community of people who were experiencing the same things. When we did get pregnant, there were those in that community who, bless their hearts, wanted to hear about how things were progressing and all that great stuff. But it was harder to write... shifting gears from a blog that was focused on coping with a difficult time in my life to writing about a happy time in my life - being pregnant. And then of course, following a pregnancy is usually an infant and all that is wonderful, frustrating, and absolutely exhausting that comes with it. At that point I didn't think there was anybody who, had I even the time or energy to sit down and write anything meaningful, would be interested in actually reading my drivel about how enamored I was with my son, or how frustrated and tired I was. And really - I don't know if there is anybody who is interested in reading my random thoughts about life now, but as I mentioned earlier, it was cathartic and it helped me, so I'm back again - needing an avenue, and hopefully finding a community like the one I had found two years ago.
So let's see - where am I now? I've been in the workforce aka finished college just shy of 9 years ago, I've been married for just over 5, and my son is just over 1. Now that L is 1 and the category 5 hurricane that hit my life has been reduced to a tropical storm, I've started to move out of survival mode and start looking at my life in general and what is out of balance.
My first assessment - we are way out of whack. Balance is not in existence, and yin and yang need to be reintroduced.
Lately I've been struggling with the career me vs the mommy me. I like my job, I wouldn't call it just a job either - its a career. I have definite goals and things I would like to attain over the next 20-25 years. I like going to work. I stayed at home on maternity leave for four months and by the end of that I was climbing the walls. Don't get me wrong - I love L to pieces and I would not trade him for anything in the world, and over the course of the last year the Mama Bear instinct has come out a few times - I would do anything for him. However - I like going to work, and quite frankly I'm ok with him going to daycare 5 days a week. That is what I struggle with. I read these mommy blogs, and talk to my friends who are moms and all I read and hear is how these women pine to be at home with their kids rather than go to work. Ok fine - that's them. But is there something wrong with me that I don't yearn for that? and I wouldn't quit my job in a heartbeat so I can be home with L all day long? Lately I feel like there is something wrong with me because I do feel that way. A lot of the "working mom" stuff out there is geared towards this too - there's a whole lotta guilt trip going on out there for the working mom. I'm trying to find that community of moms who are like me - they love their children and are doing their very best to provide everything they can for them, but they are successful in their careers and have very firm goals of growing those careers too.
So I ask - is that such a wrong thing to do? Why is it that it feels like moms who work and enjoy their work and have no intention of leaving the workplace (even if they financially could) have to keep that hidden like its a dirty secret?
Thursday, September 30, 2010
Stages of Feeding
We're almost there. Langdon is almost one year old. With that age milestone comes yet another food change. I'm not looking forward to it, as in my opinion it gets yet a little more complicated to feed the little man and make sure he's getting enough food.
Of course, each time there's a transition it seems like its an impossible task and I'll never figure it out.
Stage one was just nursing him and making sure he got enough. I can't tell you how many texts, phone calls, and emails I sent out to friends who were also nursing or had nursed their babies. But we survived and we figured it out. By far that was the longest stage - he was 100% breastfed/bottlefed milk until he was six months old.
Stage two was introducing the "solids" (which are so far from being solid it makes you wonder why they call it solids). The dilemma was is he getting enough, and slowly introducing each type of food.
Stage three - advancing to little pieces of food and other items... dilemma has been that he has half a tooth. Most children have roughly 4-6 teeth by the time their one. We're a little delayed here. But overall I'm pretty sure he's getting enough.
Stage four - one year and older... argh! So my stress is that 1) I need to actually start "Making" food for him... food is no longer going to be pre-packaged in neat little portion sized containers. I guess I could go with the pre-packaged gerber meals but I don't think they're as healthy as if I were to actually cook. (I didn't make my own baby food since what was in those packages was pureed veggies/fruit and that was all there was). and 2) how do we transition from breastmilk to regular milk (this isn't a huge stress so much as a can I do it now?? I am so DONE with pumping). But it still gets back to the root cause of how do I know if he's getting enough food? He's a light eater to begin with too.
But I'm sure we'll figure it out and we'll all survive. But man, sometimes I really wish we could go back to the days of a liquid diet, roughly 30 oz/day. *just with something other than me pumping and providing the liquid!
Of course, each time there's a transition it seems like its an impossible task and I'll never figure it out.
Stage one was just nursing him and making sure he got enough. I can't tell you how many texts, phone calls, and emails I sent out to friends who were also nursing or had nursed their babies. But we survived and we figured it out. By far that was the longest stage - he was 100% breastfed/bottlefed milk until he was six months old.
Stage two was introducing the "solids" (which are so far from being solid it makes you wonder why they call it solids). The dilemma was is he getting enough, and slowly introducing each type of food.
Stage three - advancing to little pieces of food and other items... dilemma has been that he has half a tooth. Most children have roughly 4-6 teeth by the time their one. We're a little delayed here. But overall I'm pretty sure he's getting enough.
Stage four - one year and older... argh! So my stress is that 1) I need to actually start "Making" food for him... food is no longer going to be pre-packaged in neat little portion sized containers. I guess I could go with the pre-packaged gerber meals but I don't think they're as healthy as if I were to actually cook. (I didn't make my own baby food since what was in those packages was pureed veggies/fruit and that was all there was). and 2) how do we transition from breastmilk to regular milk (this isn't a huge stress so much as a can I do it now?? I am so DONE with pumping). But it still gets back to the root cause of how do I know if he's getting enough food? He's a light eater to begin with too.
But I'm sure we'll figure it out and we'll all survive. But man, sometimes I really wish we could go back to the days of a liquid diet, roughly 30 oz/day. *just with something other than me pumping and providing the liquid!
Tuesday, September 28, 2010
Irritations
Either its something about this time of year or its just the age that me and all my friends are at and the stage in our lives, but there's pregnant people every where. Last year was the same - we knew roughly 10 couples who were pregnant or had their children in 2009. This year is working out the same, except this time I know many couples who are on their second or third child (and in one case their fourth).
Thankfully this year the pregnancy announcements don't stab me in the heart and wrench my gut the same way they did in 2008 when the announcements started happening. But there are some things that still tick me off a little. I will admit I have "hidden" several face.book friends (these are ppl who I know ancillary as they are my husband's friend's wives, not people I actually see on a regular basis) as their posts were a running commentary about how they and jr were feeling and what jr was wanting to eat b/c mommy was craving, etc etc. Just got a little nauseating and annoying.
But the big one that really irritates me and the reason I write about it was b/c of a friend's whining on facebook this morning. Its the complaining about gaining weight. Really? Seriously?? YOU ARE PREGNANT! (I'm really hoping I didn't complain about this when I was pregnant last year, at least not on this blog...) But seriously - yes I remember there is a phase in early pregnancy when you don't have a belly and you just look fat because the waistline is increasing, etc... but ultimately you actually don't look fat, you just feel fat. And the individual this morning was complaining about the numbers on the scale going up. She's six months prego... what do you expect to happen??? Sigh...
Some complaining is allowed though - complaints about morning sickness, heartburn, sore backs, and swollen feet... I did not have all of these, but these things hurt and are not the enjoyable parts of pregnancy.
I just have some beef with those who complain about things that don't necessarily hurt or they have body issues. I have fond memories of those body "issues"... and really, if there's a time in your life that you can just enjoy not exercising, constantly trying to watch your weight, etc... its during pregnancy (obviously within reason).
Enjoy it. Relax. You're gonna need your rest.
Thankfully this year the pregnancy announcements don't stab me in the heart and wrench my gut the same way they did in 2008 when the announcements started happening. But there are some things that still tick me off a little. I will admit I have "hidden" several face.book friends (these are ppl who I know ancillary as they are my husband's friend's wives, not people I actually see on a regular basis) as their posts were a running commentary about how they and jr were feeling and what jr was wanting to eat b/c mommy was craving, etc etc. Just got a little nauseating and annoying.
But the big one that really irritates me and the reason I write about it was b/c of a friend's whining on facebook this morning. Its the complaining about gaining weight. Really? Seriously?? YOU ARE PREGNANT! (I'm really hoping I didn't complain about this when I was pregnant last year, at least not on this blog...) But seriously - yes I remember there is a phase in early pregnancy when you don't have a belly and you just look fat because the waistline is increasing, etc... but ultimately you actually don't look fat, you just feel fat. And the individual this morning was complaining about the numbers on the scale going up. She's six months prego... what do you expect to happen??? Sigh...
Some complaining is allowed though - complaints about morning sickness, heartburn, sore backs, and swollen feet... I did not have all of these, but these things hurt and are not the enjoyable parts of pregnancy.
I just have some beef with those who complain about things that don't necessarily hurt or they have body issues. I have fond memories of those body "issues"... and really, if there's a time in your life that you can just enjoy not exercising, constantly trying to watch your weight, etc... its during pregnancy (obviously within reason).
Enjoy it. Relax. You're gonna need your rest.
Saturday, September 11, 2010
First Night Away
OK... so I'm a little behind, but what's new right?
This past Friday night Langdon spent at his grandparents (Jeff's parents) house... overnight... Overall I think it was a success. If he had any trouble, my in-laws aren't telling, and Langdon didn't look any worse for wear when we picked him up the next day. I survived as well. I asked Jeff to call his parents to check on L a few times, he didn't listen to me, but once we got to the restaurant/marketplace shopping area its sad to say I didn't really have him on my mind. (Is that bad??)
Didn't have too much trouble sleeping at all - I think if we had done this earlier when L was waking up on a regular basis in the middle of the night I would have noticed a difference. It was the next morning that was a little weird... the house felt empty without him. But it was very very nice to be able to sleep until we were ready to get up vs getting dragged out of bed at anytime between 6am-8am. Of course both of us woke up around 6:30am, but were able to go back to sleep until a more civilized hour of the day.
It would have been nice to do this sooner, but in the same breath, I think we waited until a time that it was definitely not traumatic for any one of us. This sleep over was in preparation of Jeff & mine's first trip away from Langdon. We're heading to San Francisco in two weeks, just for two nights. I'm sure that will be a little different, and I will need to get Jeff's parents hooked up with Skype or something of that type so we can see him for the day 1/2 that we're gone.
This past Friday night Langdon spent at his grandparents (Jeff's parents) house... overnight... Overall I think it was a success. If he had any trouble, my in-laws aren't telling, and Langdon didn't look any worse for wear when we picked him up the next day. I survived as well. I asked Jeff to call his parents to check on L a few times, he didn't listen to me, but once we got to the restaurant/marketplace shopping area its sad to say I didn't really have him on my mind. (Is that bad??)
Didn't have too much trouble sleeping at all - I think if we had done this earlier when L was waking up on a regular basis in the middle of the night I would have noticed a difference. It was the next morning that was a little weird... the house felt empty without him. But it was very very nice to be able to sleep until we were ready to get up vs getting dragged out of bed at anytime between 6am-8am. Of course both of us woke up around 6:30am, but were able to go back to sleep until a more civilized hour of the day.
It would have been nice to do this sooner, but in the same breath, I think we waited until a time that it was definitely not traumatic for any one of us. This sleep over was in preparation of Jeff & mine's first trip away from Langdon. We're heading to San Francisco in two weeks, just for two nights. I'm sure that will be a little different, and I will need to get Jeff's parents hooked up with Skype or something of that type so we can see him for the day 1/2 that we're gone.
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